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ehd123 ehd123
wrote...
Valued Member
Posts: 778
9 years ago
As some of you might already know, I am going through my master's degree right now in neuroscience. I'm still in my first semester and trying to get my things going. However, I am "known" to be too simple and kind hearted among my friends. Whenever I am faced with a situation be it among my classmates during school or undergrad, or situations with my first cousins or friends, or teachers or professors, or just random people from my village back home, basically anyone, I do not know how to be mean or say no or just defend myself from their continuous backstabbing or taking advantage of me and my feelings. I am constantly blamed for not visiting my relatives when they see me, but the thing is I was never called and asked by them to come over for a visit. It is this kind of emotional turmoil I am constantly put into. And it has become a cycle because I always feel like I am the one to blame, but it really is not my fault.
At the master's level, one of my classmates keeps cornering me and trying to prove herself as if I am trying to take her place as queen of the jungle. We come from the same background, in other words, we went to undergrad together in the same major, and came from the same countries we were raised in, except that she graduated from a french school, and I from an American school. Both of which are the most well known and strongest schools at our country. She may wear and hold designer bags everyday because her parents afford it, but I simply wear clothes that reflect the conservative and elegant side of my personality, and the attire most suitable at the university level. But somehow, she keeps seeing me as a target, and tries to always push me down and belittle me infront of professors or classmates whenever she can. For example, last Friday was my seminar presentation. I was asked many question my professors and research assistant, all of which I was able to answer correctly and quickly. But she was the last one to ask, and asked a question not relevant to my presentation or the article I was presenting. I did not know the answer, so I guessed. My professor backed me up by referring to her question as not relevant to my presentation, rather it is a general biology question. Ironically, none of the master students no PhD students or professors in the room as well as research assistants new the answer or offered to answer. Just one student that happens to work in that specialtyy knew and corrected it only when the professor finally diverted the question to the entire room. After that, when we finished, she just left without commenting on my presentation like the rest of my classmates. While I was leaving, my professor told me "Well done,this was a great presentation", knowing how terrified I was of it a week ago. Today, 3 days after my presentation, she finally confronted me and told me I gave a good presentation and spoke well. And she apologized for the question in a way I thought was sincere at first, until she told me, "but it was a straight forward question you should have known". I told her I never took developmental biology like she did, and that it was not what I prepared to answer for my presentation. Then she replied saying, "But the professor mentioned it a while ago in our classes". Ironically, and because I usually don't know how to defend myself if these situations which to me are emotional bullying because I just keep on looking down on my capabilities and strive to be the best I can, did not think of a comeback and just left. When I mentioned the situation to my roommate back at dorms, she told me that if that girl knows that it was mentioned in class, then why did she ask me during my presentation? I did not think of that at the time she was confronting me, but what my roommate was right. Also, the hour directly after the confrontation, my professor mentioned the question for the first time in class. i felt like telling her, see we just today learnt about that. But the moment had passed and i just was the bigger person and decided to walk away.

She also belittled my presentation saying it was okay because the professor that asks the hardest questions was not there. But I just got lucky he was not there, but if he was there, I would have addressed his questions just fine. Either way, I got bombarded with many questions which I answered correctly, and if there was one question that ruined my presentation, that would be her question especially since it came at the end of everyone's questions.
It happens that everyone is afraid of this professor as well, and thought that I was lucky enough that he was not there, but on the contrary, i love that professor, and he knows i was afraid of him, yet I went up to him and told him i missed him at my presentation. he said he had to teach during that time and apologized for not coming. We kind of have a  sweet student professor relationship, and i absolutely look up to him and respect him. He has become my idol, and looks like santa  Smiling Face with Halo  either way, I do not know what this girl's problem with me is. It is not the first time she does such a thing. In class she always speak and blurts stuff out that professors reply by "what does this have to do with X". She always asks questions and tried belittling the person presenting as she did the same thing to a PhD student before me as well. But that time the professor told her that her that she misunderstood.
This girl has grades higher than me and is not on probation like me, but she just loves "bullying" me in this way.
Once during lab, a professor asked a question to the entire class. I answered. Right after I finishd answering, she said no no, the answer is .... Just as she finished her answer, the professor confirmed my answer.
I am not asking for judgements or anything, but simply need to  know if such a thing is normal. because I already have a difficult life as is trying to get through my masters tuition and proving myself as a suitable candidate to get into a professor's lab. I do not need someone to keep overwhelming me emotionally, as mentally I suffer from anxiety and self destroy myself if I don't get accreditation or approval from my academic performance.

What should I do?  Frowning Face
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7 Replies
B.Sc in Biology
M.Sc Neuroscience
PhD. Candidate in Neuroscience


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Replies
wrote...
9 years ago
Hey ehd123, only one word can describe your classmate, and it starts with a B. It sounds to me like this girl is stuck up and is daddies little princess. I dated a girl whose father was a very wealthy man (which made her wealthy too), and she felt like she could blurt out anything without consequences. When she got pulled-over by a police officer once, she immediately called her powerful father to get her out of the mess, or any mess she got into. Luckily, she liked me, so I never faced her wrath until I simply just ignored her and never spoke to her again. For men it's easier, we're straightforward and usually will settle problems with our words, and sometimes with our fists, but for women it's a bit more complicated because most women make decisions based on their emotions. Women generally use less logic when it comes to decision-making than men, so they will lash out without weighing the pros or the cons - this is a natural response. The best thing you can do in this situation is to ignore this classmate as much as possible - completely if necessary. For example, when she says something, don't respond right away, let her repeat herself once or twice, and don't apologize when you do respond. Let your mannerisms and actions do the talking. She's exhibiting an alpha female behaviour you'd find in a pack of wolves. It doesn't surprise me that this girl has matured; in fact, women like this end up being single because men don't find those traits attractive.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division mean the same thing.
ehd123 Author
wrote...
Valued Member
9 years ago
Thank you Savio, I already feel a little better.
I will most certainly try doing that. I hope it works  Frowning Face
B.Sc in Biology
M.Sc Neuroscience
PhD. Candidate in Neuroscience


wrote...
Valued Member
On Hiatus
9 years ago
From what you said, it seems that she likes making other people feeling inferior. That doesn't really mean that she wants to harm you in any way. That's her style.

Although it might sound to you as a bad idea, I'd suggest you to not change your behavior.
What I'd do is, I'd try to ignore any malicious implications to her comments, and respond normally without anger against her.

If you can't do that and need this to stop, it would be better to show her that you don't like her comments. This would be better than trying to outspeak her or to ignore her. I mean, she may have some issues after all. Try to be sympathetic  Lady Beetle

Also, I can see that you are feeling angry... And I believe that anger/hate is a very bad emotion that you must avoid. Even if you don't follow my advices, you must at least do this.

Quote
Women generally use less logic when it comes to decision-making than men, so they will lash out without weighing the pros or the cons - this is a natural response.
Hmm... It is certainly appealing to hear that we are more logical that women. Too bad I can't agree with you though...
wrote...
9 years ago Edited: 9 years ago, savio
QuoteWomen generally use less logic when it comes to decision-making than men, so they will lash out without weighing the pros or the cons - this is a natural response.Hmm... It is certainly appealing to hear that we are more logical that women. Too bad I can't agree with you though...

I knew I wouldn't get away with something like this without backing it up with literature, so I'm happy you pointed it out. This was something I've observed in my sister, mother, and girlfriend, so it encouraged me to did a bit of research on it a while ago, and for the most part, it turned out to be true. I've recognized that that women are more emotional than logical, and will use their feelings rather than thinking in situations like these. I believe it stems from our tribal days as hunter/gatherer roles, I think men are focused tactically to find game and hunt it down. Women, in their much broader role of gatherers, tend to be focused more strategically, watching for everything all at once. Men's logic tends to be more tactically oriented. "See a fire, put it out." Women are perfectly rational but within a broader strategic framework. "Perhaps it would be better in the long run to let the forest burn." Maybe the extra emotions come from having to explain their logic to men who don't get it and just want to put the fire out, but I think the emotions come from worrying about everything simultaneously all the time.

Anyway, this is about ehd123, not a discussion on gender Face with Stuck-out Tongue
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division mean the same thing.
ehd123 Author
wrote...
Valued Member
9 years ago Edited: 9 years ago, ehd123
Hey Alexx, thank you for your input.
Indeed, I was a little angry at first, which I took out on the poor keyboard when I was typing this on the forum, but on normal days,, I am a very calm person actually, and introverted minding my own business and won't talk until I am forced to, but when someone gets onto my nerves I just lose it and lash out. But I believe showing anger infront of someone just shows how much they have an influence on you. So, I definitely do not hate her, but I will try to avoid her as I am not exactly fond of this type of people if that's what she is like.
I tried befriending her at the beginning of the semester, but it went in vain.
If this is not enough drama, I have enough drama going on in my life, I don't need any additional stuff.  Frowning Face
Post Merge: 9 years ago

"Women, in their much broader role of gatherers, tend to be focused more strategically, watching for everything all at once. Men's logic tends to be more tactically oriented. "See a fire, put it out." Women are perfectly rational but within a broader strategic framework. "Perhaps it would be better in the long run to let the forest burn."

I can tell you savio, sometimes we tend to put the fire out really quick, but some norms serve as restraints and classify such acts as not "lady-like".
B.Sc in Biology
M.Sc Neuroscience
PhD. Candidate in Neuroscience


wrote...
Valued Member
On Hiatus
9 years ago
Logic isn't something you can measure, so researches aren't very useful there... If there is any such research, I bet it is not credible. So, I believe you can only talk based to experience on that matter.
And, sadly, that's not enough to prove anything.
wrote...
9 years ago
I agree, I'm sure not all humans fall into the same cookie cutter mould. My reasoning is based on my own experience and hypotheses.

Keep up posted ehd123.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division mean the same thing.
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