Notice the second sentence in paragraph 1. It's too long. It should be broken into two separate sentences.

Paragraph 2: "the effect baby formula has on newborn’s immune system is being investigated." -- confusing. Perhaps, "the effect that..."

Paragraph 3: You should write, "One of the leading causes of death in infants between the age of 0 to 12 months is  caused by the Rotavirus, a virus spread..." (Cite)

Remove: With over 500 000 infants killed annually worldwide (Stöppler, 2018).

"When a baby contracts this disease" the virus?

Find a way to combine paragraph 4 and 5. No need for separate paragraphs when paragraph one is 2 sentences. This is not a newspaper article where that's acceptable.

Last paragraph: "However, regardless of it location," However and regardless written together is redundant.

Just some pointers for you :-) Good luck rewriting it.

Thank you for that feedback. Will definitely take it on board and rewrite it so it flows better and thank you once again.

My pleasure. Let us know when you need further assistance

Before I handed by rationale into my teacher I added some more information in as he said to make sure everything was defined. For feedback he said my paragraphs on the epithelial and absorptive had good content but it doesn't tie in well with the rest of the document. Do you think you could read those two paragraphs and see what you would change so it ties in better. Any help is appreciated. 

He is absolutely right. No where else is this discussed in the paper, not even in the discussion section where you're supposed to refer back to things you spoke of in your rationale.

So here's what I did, I rewrote the sentence beginning with "One of the leading causes of death in infants", AND I deleted the subsequent two paragraphs that followed.

Please copy and paste this rationale as your new rationale in your official report.

Thank you very much, will change it now.

I was wondering if you had the time, whether you could read over the conclusion and evaluation section of my report, as my teacher said in this section I need to change it so it is an insightful discussion of the evidence used not just a discussion of the evidence and I am unsure of how to do this. Any suggestions would be appreciated. As well as how to extrapolation the credible findings of the research so they are considered to the claim that formula fed babies are more susceptible to diseases and future outcomes.

Hi Tree__x Once I have time (maybe tomorrow?), I will read them and give you feedback. When's it due?

Thank you. No need to hurry though it isn't due to Friday of this week.

@ Tree__x

The conclusion and evaluation were terrible -- sorry to say. I managed to salvage 1 sentence (rewritten) from the conclusion. I like the last bit of the evaluation, where you talk about what can be improved -- that part is a keeper!

Please download this document: https://biology-forums.com/index.php?topic=58.msg132#msg132

It discusses exactly what should be included in a conclusion.

Thank you, will try to re-write it and combine it with my teachers document as that document is different to that document you suggested I follow.

I sounded a little bit harsh after re-reading my last post -- my apologies. Didn't mean to have that affect. Anyway, if you have a new variation, I can reread that too

Thanks for your feedback, you weren't too harsh. So I re-wrote my conclusion and added in things my teacher recommended, but only re- worded things in the evaluation even through you said I should re- write it because it followed the document my teacher gave me to use. Will attach that as well as my changed conclusion and evaluation so you can see how it is a little different to the document you suggest I use. Any feedback will be appreciated as I don't know if my work matches that so any ideas to make it match that would also be appreciated.

I do not like how the conclusion is started:

"On the other hand, if the specific research..."

You can never conclude with definite proof that a hypothesis is right or wrong, you can only provide evidence that suggests its validity. Because, down the road, there may be more evidence that suggests otherwise; this is why no journal article ever proves anything, technically. Anyway, let's continue...

The fact your teacher asks these questions:


... doesn't mean you have to answer them. They're there to help guide you with your writing. Of course, if you find information in a journal article, it already HAS integrity: you don't need to discuss why it doesn't. In fact, if it didn't have integrity, it would have never been published by professionals in the field. You spend the first two paragraphs of the evaluation discussing this, and that's not right at all.

You can say that "this paper shows a relationship between strictly formula-fed babies versus breast-fed babies and the development of onset diarrhea, but there are limitations in what we currently know. For instance, we can only assume that the pathogen responsible for the disorder is caused by the Rotavirus, yet there are..."

See my notes below: